No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
