He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Boobs speak an international language.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
