How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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