he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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