I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize