dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
