if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
