Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
