highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
