TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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