I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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