Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
