i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
