we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize