My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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