Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
