Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
