Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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