You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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