if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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