how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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