Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
