1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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