its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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