dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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