Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
