The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Alive.
So much puke
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
there is glitter all over my balls
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
