I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
