Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
