I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
