i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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