I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
