im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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