Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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