dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
