69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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