Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
