My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
