I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
