I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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