Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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