I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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