Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
