I think I died a long time ago.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
