I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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