if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
