it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
