the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
