You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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