im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
