dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
