you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize