I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
