I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
