The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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