so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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