First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
