I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
