my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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